Dunking Biscuits


Coffee and biscuit

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Author unknown

Writing a blog to many people is a way of absorbing new ideas and thoughts. We can enjoy the exploits in a way which that may encourage us to explore new ideas or challenge ourselves intellectually. This is certainly how I see it. However it shouldn’t all be splitting the atom. Some time it’s the simpler contemplative thoughts and musings that send our neurones of on a cross-country run around the grey spongy stuff. This particular post however will do none of that. I have been driven to this by my work colleagues who have almost turned hectoring me about it in to a sport. I refer to the practice of submerging pre baked amalgamations of predominantly flour, sugar and fat into a container of hot, but not exclusively so, liquid in order to somehow improve what the manufacturers have spent years in research and development perfecting. To wit the ‘dunking’ of biscuits.

I don’t fully recall when this subject first raised its head but I remember being shocked at the emotions with which my firm beliefs in this matter roused. Firstly I will say I was in the minority. Obviously I don’t see this a negative after all the value of criticism will depend on the thought processes of the critics, not their number, rank or station. Now I wouldn’t want anyone reading this to think I’m I’m opening a debate as on this matter. I’m the one who is right. Unlike some of my ramblings on this blog this will be short as being right is innate of itself and does not require a lengthy diatribe.

My case is thus. Biscuits are products a that are manufactured as food stuff. The factories where they are produced have strict hygiene regulations to keep their product safe from contamination. They arrive in your supermarket in a germ and moisture free condition. If while unwrapping your newly purchased comestibles you were to find them wet and soggy with spilt tea or coffee you would more than likely be driven to make complaints, write emails and quite rightly demand restitution. However upon unsheathing a pristine packet of sumptuously, crumbly and crisp victuals you proceed to that which you would otherwise decry.

Now before you dunkiees start getting self-righteous and clamour for pseudo evidentiary bolstering by saying that the manufacturers make them for dunking, don’t. The sharp minded businesses pandering to the needs of the western consumerism would sell deep-fried dog turds if their advertising teams could work out a sales pitch that they though the public were stupid enough to swallow (sic). The quickie marts that seem to spring up around dense areas of student dwellings can pay testament to the inconceivable amount  instant crap that human beings will stoop to putting in their mouths in the name of parsimony and apathy. Now don’t get me wrong I pride myself on my level mindedness and will accept that people do weird things. The casualty records of hospitals around the world bear testament to the bizarre miscellany that mankind has at one point or another attempted to insert in themselves or willing participants (well willing before the necessary interventions of ever creative medical staff had to be sort). I comment not on such proclivities but this doesn’t make it an acceptable thing for a civilised human being to do. Vacuum cleaners and their accessories are for the removal of household dirt and dust not for the fertile imaginations of naked pleasure seekers. 

However I have to draw a line somewhere and the defining difference between of unclothed pursuers of decadence and the person that drowns his food in his drink in a misguided attempt to enhance its delectability is that the former doesn’t partake of his/her excesses on the table in front of me while I’m enjoying a hot drink and latterly maybe a chocolate Hobnob. 

So you may trot out all the well-worn excuses, the unimaginative explanations and the swell of numbers who degrade themselves in a similar fashion. I’m not impressed. The debate always tends to move in to areas of contention where dunkiees squabble amount themselves about what biscuits you can dunk and which ones you can’t. This is unsurprising. Each person clamouring to hypocritically score victory but in essence if you allow yourself to dunk say a digestive you forfeit the rights to gastronomic opinions. It might be a good idea to keep you away from vacuum cleaners too.

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